Soulful Relationships -- Excerpts from Chapter 8
Unconditional Love
- There's no middle ground with this-love is either unconditional or conditional, and the latter is simply bartering attention to get something you want.
- If I love you unconditionally, you do not need to earn it, pass any tests, win any contests, or in any way deserve it. If you did need to prove your worth, you have tenure only until someone more worthy comes along-bluer eyes, whiter teeth, better cook, etc.
- Unconditional love says, "You can be who you really are, and share your deepest thoughts, fears and feelings in absolute surety that I won't judge you or stop loving you. We may agree to disagree on things but I will never reject you, for I am committed to your well-being and growth."
- When it comes to growth, how can one person support another? By criticizing, nit-icking, and pointing out flaws? Obviously not, but that's how most parents approach child-rearing; "Eat all your greens or mommy won't love you." That's flat-out manipulation but we carry that into adulthood, with "love" as a reward for a well-prepared meal or a promotion.
- Many people use "love" to coerce a mate into conforming to their opinion of how the mate should be (just watch a few movies on the Lifetime Channel). Such "love" forces the mate to contract and shrink into a little box, often with the justification, "I love you and want only what's best for you." This really means: "… what's best for me." On the other hand, unconditional love encourages expansion and growth, which brings us to how love really works.
1. Love Allows
- First, in a soulful relationship, love allows itself to flow. Love isn't a "doing" thing, but an allowing thing. Imagine love as water, and you're a hose. How big a hose are you? A tiny tube used in an irrigation drip-watering system? A standard garden hose? A fireman's hose? Or a huge pipeline? This obviously determines how much love can flow through you, which increases with practice. Next, are there any kinks or blockages stopping the flow? As an adult, your flow rate depends on how you were loved in the womb and then as a child. If, in those early years, you picked up some kinks and blockages, you have some work to do, as we saw earlier.
- Love also allows the beloved to be who he or she is, without seeking to change him or her, except for encouraging growth. We all know that it's impossible to change others; only they can change themselves but plenty of people do try … and end up exhausted and frustrated. It's about as pointless as mud-wrestling a pig---it's hard slippery work, and besides, the pig likes it.
2. Love Cares
- Love cares about the happiness of the beloved and constantly reminds him or her of how special and important he or she is to you. Love says, "You are valuable to me; I care about you and will do whatever I can to ensure your happiness."
3. Love Respects
- When you respect those you love, you honor them, are honest with them, let them be who they are without trying to change them, and want what is in their highest and best interest.
4. Love Forgives
- All of us incarnate to learn, grow and explore, and we inevitably screw up somewhere along the way and hurt someone else. If someone harms you, you have two options: (1) you can hold a grudge, or (2) you can forgive. Clearly, the first harms you further and gives all your power to the very person who harmed you, allowing that person to determine how you will feel.
- The second option allows you to move on, free of other people's energy, knowing that "they will get theirs" in their life review. You'll also live longer and healthier. However, the other person doesn't just walk away. They must be made to understand how you were harmed by their actions and offer a sincere apology and promise that it won't happen again. If they are spiritual, they will be eager to learn the consequences of a hurtful word or deed … otherwise there's always the court system. And if that deed stemmed from malicious intent rather than an innocent accident, the apology had better be good.
- If you're the miscreant, it's essential to own the deed, without finger-pointing or blame. Fess up and accept the consequences of your actions. And preferably apologize before you're found out. Suppose a friend confides a secret in you and you have too much to drink and blurt it out. Apologize before word gets back to your friend, who may then still have some respect for you.
5. Love Encourages
- Most of us have untapped strengths and potentials, and only discover these when slammed by some major Life Challenge. And if we run around "fixing" things for our friends and loved ones, we're simply enabling their victim-ness. Instead, love encourages others to find the strength and courage to tap their own potential, confidence and abilities to grasp life by the horns. Love en-courages others to explore the grandest expression of who they can be. And rather than nay-saying, love says, "Go for it! You can do it!"
6. Love Challenges
- Love's final gift in a soulful relationship is to challenge the other to rise and stretch to achieve a goal or blast through a self-limitation, and thereby grow. Love's encouragement reveals the strength or ability; love's challenge calls it into action. Love says, "You have the vision of your grandest expression, so now become that expression."
Given that love allows, cares, respects, forgives, encourages and challenges, the trick is to blend these ingredients in just the right proportion, or things won't balance. And the best way to avoid imbalance is communication. Ask, "How does it make you feel when I encourage you to find a better job?" or, "How does it make you feel when I dare you to ______?" Finding the right mixture of allowing, caring, encouraging and challenging is not easy, and both partners must communicate openly and frequently … for that, too, is part of growth.
When you're done browsing this site, visit our sister websites:
www.All-About-Soul.com
and www.DeathWithoutFear.com.